Everyone just wants to be loved. Love?
I recently read the Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman and concluded that as black people, we have really never been taught how to love or how to receive love. In his book, he discusses the five love languages as being:
Words of Affirmation; Quality Time; Receiving Gifts; Acts of Service; Physical Touch
After purchasing the book and reading it, I found more articles and resources online to support his thesis that everyone has a love language and if an interested party understands that particular person’s language, love will develop. Read the following link for more details.
How does this theory apply to black women and men?
As black women, we sometimes settle for unemotional unmotivated men who lack the ability to not only provide the language we need to grow unconditional love, but they also lack the ability to receive the love we as black women give. Let’s face it, as women we are spiritually and naturally gifted in the area of love and understanding how to nurture anything into existence. Not just children but relationships as well. It’s our POWER!
Yet, from pure observation and experience, I have witnessed our men lacking the capacity to protect our emotions, however, they seek and acquire the ability to belittle, downplay, or degrade our emotions to then associate them into categories, such as: drama, weak, emotional, needy, or believe it or not being too feminine. How can a woman be too feminine?
I’ve studied and watched Caucasian relationships and have concluded that their men seem to protect their women because their women tend to allow their men to be men and they allow themselves to be women. Whereas, when I look into our relationships as black people, I notice that black relationships are the opposite. The black woman has to settle more than the white woman. She can’t be emotional or exhibit any signs of weakness or what I call signs of just being a woman without some black men viewing her as too much to handle. He can’t help her because he himself is too out of touch with his own strengths as man, which are sometimes stripped from him during childhood from a stern masculine mother, that he lacks the ability to protect her and provide her with the love language he very well knows can deliver the kind of love that builds strong families.
Some black men view women who follow and lead by their hearts as a challenge; therefore, seek women of a more masculine manner and attitude. Some even prefer their women to be extremely independent and unemotionally affected that she can very well do without him leaving room for him as the leader and the man in their relationship to have it easy and basically disable him from being what God created him to be-The protector.
My belief is that since some African-American men and women have adopted this gender role reversal, that one problem we face within ourselves is being too weak and being too passive that it prevents our families from growing, our women from being feminine goddesses, and forcing our men to become more feminine than our women. No woman should have to be logical and think logically when it comes down to a man. That’s his job! We should be natural friaries!
What has happened is a destruction of the black family and a further destruction and limitation of strong secure black men. It seems the less a woman needs a man, the more a man wants a woman. It used to be that the Spider Man’s or Super Mans of our world enjoyed coming to the damsel in distress’s rescue because men viewed a woman as a weaker sex and therefore, she needed him to protect her and save her. Now, the damsel in distress is left on the roof top parapet awaiting her Superhero and may very well grow old there. Instead, the superhero looks for Wonder Woman! He looks for the woman to save his emotions, to help him through his situation, and carry him on her shoulders! If that isn’t feminine, that what is? Yet, when examining black relationships, most black men enjoy and practically thrive off the Wonder Woman. While, he is content with being her Robin!
Women should always follow their hearts no matter what the deception she creates from thinking or over analyzing why her emotions aren’t being cared for. Our minds are truly decepticons leading us astray off the path to love ever so often, but as women, we usually know our hearts, and we usually feel when we need to leave or stay with a man. Yet, because of our innate energy to nurture and care for others, we will allow our minds to convince us that feeling horrible and allowing our emotions to be downplayed and unprotected is a normal occurrence that must be accepted.
Oprah interviewed one of my favorite authors the other night, Paulo Coelho, author of The Alchemist and Veronika Must Die and here are a few quotes he mentioned about the heart:
“Listen to your Heart, It knows all Things”
“Know what you Want”
“Don’t Betray Your Heart Ever”
“Know the difference between your heart and your head”
“The Universe will give you exactly what your Heart, not your head desires”
“Everybody knows what they want!”