Category Archives: Black Confidence

Building Confident Black Women and Men

Sonya “Missy” Vance

Sonya Missy Vance


There is nothing more powerful than the mind. A person’s heart is controlled only the mind. What information is received through the ears is transported straight to the brain and held there. From there, one is able to conceive a thought, which in turn creates a feeling.

The words cancer had to enter Missy’s ears first and then travel straight to her brain and from that, her brain reported to her heart. Ok. Missy, what do you feel?

Feeling=an emotional state of reaction

What do you feel Missy? At that time, several feelings erupted within the heart trying to situate itself upon only one, yet several sprawled out of control all at once. The thoughts of MyMy, my daughter, what will happen with her, I will have to be strong for myself as well as for her because God gave her to me, I am her mother. My job is to protect her, so what about her? How will I do this?


The thoughts of Wooder, my mother, who gave birth for me, what will I say to her, that’s more strength I will need in order to endure this. What should I feel then?


Missy had several feelings to choose from: defeat, gladness, misery, triumph, depression, joy, sadness, happiness, anger, perseverance, resentment, and strength. But Missy threw them all down and decided to choose nothing but LOVE.

She continued to laugh, she continued to say whatever she desired with no filter because that’s exactly what made us love her! She didn’t change…she didn’t change.

She continued to be mean, yet she was witty. Despite what you felt, she said how she felt and that was that, but it was just fine because that’s why we loved her!


Missy chose love. With love nothing goes wrong. She knew that. Missy chose the feeling of love. Seven years of unconditional unmeasurable love. Love that can not be measured by a ruler, a measuring cup, or any mathematical equation. Missy chose love by focusing on her family being with us whenever possible. Love that MyMy felt more than anyone and love that Wooder will keep with her forever. A thought is conceived through words which are received by the ears and seven years ago, Missy heard words that could have defeated her and taken her into despair, but Missy: Mean, beautiful, Witty, Funny, witty, and full of laughter. Missy: a wonderful mother, a devoted daughter, a sister, and a tremendous friend chose love out of all the feelings in the world to feel.


Missy chose this one-LOVE-because it is the best one to FEEL!

February 29th, 1972-May 16th, 2015


Preparing For Game



When playing, if you are too nice, you will fail. You’ll need to be made out of blackthorn to survive and learn to never take anything others do to you personally while playing. Let the Games Begin!

Rule #1: Get Hurt

If you are new to the game place yourself in a predicament to be hurt. If that means falling in love with an emotionally unavailable person or simply trying to obtain someone outside your league, do it. The purpose of this is to prepare you for the pain you’ll endure later on in the game. By allowing your vulnerablity to lead you, you will induce within yourself a feeling of pain and suffering that once experienced later on in the game will be of zero impact to your performance. You will condition yourself to be unaffected or immune to the feelings.

There will be a lot of people in the game who will play safe and avoid hurt and pain. These same people will be more like peacemakers, and if not careful, they can actually hurt you more than those who understand that feelings can’t be involved if trying to win. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice. The more pain and hurt you subject yourself to early on, the less likely you are to react irrationally. Having experienced much of it, one can become immune, which in the game is a necessity to have while dealing with people. If you avoid the feelings when they come, your reaction will unstable you. Your mind will become fogged with the thought of pain and slow you down. One must be able to take pain as well as inflict it upon others and keep it moving. It should not slow you down or weaken you.

By dealing with those who are masterfully skillful at inflicting pain on others, you will learn early on how much pain your body can endure. You will learn your strength here, but do not remain with these people. Simply use them to teach you, for long term exposure to them will defintely weaken your powers. Be sure to deal with them first when you start the game, for they will be your greatest teachers.

Rule #2: Make Mistakes

It is important to practice your emotional reactions on irrelevant sources. This should be someone you can afford to lose in the game or someone you can do without. A non-factor subject is needed here. Fuck-up, say the first things you feel, and watch how your mistakes make them respond. The point of screwing up at the beginning is to teach you the do’s and don’t’s of the game, such as: what a person will accept and will not accept from you. What is attractive and what is not attractive. You’ll learn very quickly what is accepted and unaccepted of the masses.

It is important to make mistakes in the beginning with the unimportant gamers because although they don’t matter, they are humans, and all humans are the same when it comes to emotions. So treat them as so. They can teach you how to manuever through the game and gain access to needed information by making yourself likable. If you aren’t careful about your selection of person to experiment with making mistakes, you could mess up and ruin an alliance that will be needed later on in the game, so choose your assliant wisely.

Rule #3: Treat Everyone the Same

Treat everyone the same. Don’t be impressed by anything others do for you or how they appear. It is important to understand this rule. Develop a philosphy in the game that shields even the nicest person from understanding your intentions. Adopt an “all people are the same philosphy,” and refrain from praising or worshipping any one person but remain loyal only to yourself.

The purpose of this rule is to ensure you will never decieve the only person who really matters in the game, you! Understand that no one in the game is better than YOU! Be careful because most game changers are aware of this rule and will attempt to persuade you through their appearances, words, or actions that you are less than they are. But hold fast and remember no one is more important than you so treat them all the same.

The best power that comes from understanding this rule is you get to choose how you will treat these people, for if you have high expectations for yourself, its simple when treating others the same. Treat them less than you and expect nothing.

Rule #4: Expect Nothing, Accept Everything This rule is important because if you misuse this rule, you’ll have to start over! Lose a life. Now, you may have to start over a few times before mastering this rule because its a difficult one to accept. When dealing with people, it is best not to hold them to your standards or expectations, but rather place people below them by only accepting what they offere/give but never expect anything.

In this game, people have choices and no one has to do anything! Remember that no one has to help…you are alone in this game, so once the expectations are placed upon them, disappointments are surely to follow. Place expectations only on you because at the end of the game, this rule will be the one that keeps you alive or creates certain death. The purpose of this rule is to keep you focused and alive at the end. Giving too much of your life-line to others will defeat you. You must learn to expect nothing but accept everything with gladness and gratitude no matter how grand or small the gesture, yet remain loyal to your own true self and never let your standards fall.

Rule #5: Tribute: Be Honest with Yourself

Never lie to yourself. Once you’ve been hurt, fucked-up, felt pain, and expected too much from people who weren’t able to prvide, one must remember the feelings that accompanied those experiences. By carrying that bag around throughout the game, you’ll never lose. Whenever you find yourself unsure, lost, or confused about a situation in the game or a peson, open the bag and remember your pain, happiness, redemption, and treat that situation with experience and treat that person generally.

No one is more important in the game than you and by being honest, you never decieve number 1. This rule doesn’t mean placing past experiences on new experiences, but more so understanding what a particular person is or how a certain situation will end, if you respond this way or that. And remembering the feelings you felt when previously encountered with a similar experience. Its more about understanding what a person is, can, will, and may do, and using the equipment your teachers have equip you with to win the battle.

The purpose of this rule is to prepare you to trust yourself more and others less. By doing this you grow into the indestructible person you’ve always been. Its a POWER that few possess, so be sure to understand yourself, your weakness, and strengths before stepping into the game. If you don’t, you’ll start over and the game will have to teach you the hard way. Try to be a winner out the gate because too many do-overs will make you appear small, weak, and incompetent. If you appear too weak or wounded, you’ll be easy prey and be subjected to severe pain and disappointment.

The End:

Life, Success, and People are all part of a game. The game of Life. If your heart is in anything, you’ll possess the five rules naturally, but understanding the five rules is simply liberation of the mind. Liberating the mind in order to win.

Understanding that no one is more important than you, expect only from yourself, make several mistakes, allow yourself to feel pain and hurt, and never ever lie to yourself. Keep your feelings close and lead with instinct. Keeping with this thinking is a success route to conquering oneself.

Some of us have been fed a bad pill that has long-term affects, but despite the swallowing, there is a remedy to rid oneself of the side-effects. Becoming concisious and aware of having swallowed the pill is the only remedy needed to win the game. Seeing the reality of the world and the people in it creates in you a sense of POWER. Power that is never sad, hurt, disappointment, and never loses.

The Deepest Lesson I’ve Ever TAUGHT!

Getting ready to teach one of the toughest lessons in my life on Survival:



What does Martin Luther King Jr. and The Civil Rights Movement, Hitler and the Holocaust, and Katiness Everdeen with The Hunger Games all have in common…and If I wasn’t teaching teenagers, I’d add Creflo Dollar to the mix! 

Every Female Needs…The Priceless Things in Life

1. Forgiveness for all the mistakes she will make 

2. Attention to her dreams 
3. Time to grow…time to heal…time alone
4. Heartbreak to gain humility 
5. Extra pair of eyes to see…extra hands to help
6. Real world honesty…no fairytales 
7. Somebody present 
The Best Things in Life are Priceless

One Beautiful Girl

Sometimes young girls allow their insecurities to take over and lose their confidence in this world, by creating an attention-seeking mirage that not only pushes them to lessen their value towards others but lesson their worth even to themselves as well.

This is a highlight to all the beautifully-talented-young women who carry with them the belief that they are indeed beautiful and confident. These young ladies are culturally exposed and hold high accomplishments in either academics, extra-curricular activities, community involvement, disposition and or mannerism! They are chosen based off their ability to RISE against the expectations set by society for young minority females.

My goal is to spotlight these young women and share their attributes with other young ladies with the hope that other girls will become inspired and gravitate towards the truth that they too are beautiful, and the sky is truly the limit so why not fly!

These young ladies fly with their own wings to places unknown by most!

image (10)

So this month’s Beautiful Girl goes to Kiamya Philson! Here is my interview with Her.

What do you do to stay busy?
–In order to stay busy I participate in basketball and softball when the sports are in season and after school orchestras during those specific seasons. Other than those activities my schoolwork keeps me occupied, but when I have the occasional downtime I like to read to pass the time.

image (16)

Who is your inspiration and why?
–My inspiration would have to be my mom. I aim to be as well rounded and balanced in life as my mom. She’s such a hardworking and resilient woman, but she’s does this while being relaxed and confident in herself. She could easily be described as the life of the party wherever she goes, and it seems as if she makes a positive impact on everyone that she comes in contact with. I believe that she has instilled these qualities in me as I’ve watched over my lifetime. She is the reason that I have the determination and focus that I have and I am truly grateful for that. She is my biggest motivator and is always there to remind me that she loves me no matter what, especially in times where I didn’t think I did well enough. My mom inspires me to reach my goals in order to repay her for all that she has done throughout my life and to show that I honestly appreciate her.


What makes you different from other girls?
–I have a desire to expand my knowledge to a wide range of subjects. I think my love of learning makes me different from other girls. I like being in situations where I can benefit by learning a new fact or skill that I didn’t previously have. I don’t like not knowing something or someone telling me what I can’t do, so I try to learn as much as possible. I feel that you can never learn enough.

What makes you happy?
–It makes me happy when I have time to relax and have a good time with my friends. I have a group of friends that I can rely on and that have been with me for a long time. We have similar goals and work to encourage and motivate each other so that we can see each other succeed in the future. We keep each other on track, but keep things interesting.

image (12)

Are you confident in yourself?
What makes you confident or not?
–I am confident in myself and everything that I do. I know my strengths and weaknesses and this helps me work harder to go further in life. I work to maintain my strengths and improve my weaknesses so that I am the best I can be. I don’t let negative people or negative comments get in the way of what I want to do. I know that there will always be people that doubt you or don’t want you to succeed, and accept that I can’t change that, so the only thing left to do is prove them wrong.

Do you think you are beautiful?
How do you know you are?
–I do think that I’m beautiful, but my beauty is deeper than outward appearances. I have way more to offer than a pretty face. I work to have beautiful actions, beautiful thoughts, and an overall beautiful spirit that is valued by others more than my physical traits.

If you could tell another girl the secret to being confident, how would inspire her? What would you say or do?
–The secret to being confident is knowing your worth and ignoring those that try to keep you down. These people obviously aren’t going to get far in life because the majority of their energy is going into putting others down, and not building themselves up. The key is to not react because that would mean losing focus on the goal, which takes away valuable time that could be spent working to better yourself.

image (6)

What are some of your goals for the next 5 years?
–My major goals that I have for the next 5 years is to graduate high school as one of the top 10 in my class, get accepted and attend one of my top choice colleges and major in neuroscience. I know that these are very high goals, but I also know that I have the capability to reach them, and will do so no matter what obstacles arise.

image (18)

One word that summarizes you?!







UnEmotional Men

UnEmotional Men


Everyone just wants to be loved. Love?

I recently read the Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman and concluded that as black people, we have really never been taught how to love or how to receive love. In his book, he discusses the five love languages as being:

Words of Affirmation; Quality Time; Receiving Gifts; Acts of Service; Physical Touch

After purchasing the book and reading it, I found more articles and resources online to support his thesis that everyone has a love language and if an interested party understands that particular person’s language, love will develop. Read the following link for more details.

How does this theory apply to black women and men?

As black women, we sometimes settle for unemotional unmotivated men who lack the ability to not only provide the language we need to grow unconditional love, but they also lack the ability to receive the love we as black women give. Let’s face it, as women we are spiritually and naturally gifted in the area of love and understanding how to nurture anything into existence. Not just children but relationships as well. It’s our POWER!

Yet, from pure observation and experience, I have witnessed our men lacking the capacity to protect our emotions, however, they seek and acquire the ability to belittle, downplay, or degrade our emotions to then associate them into categories, such as: drama, weak, emotional, needy, or believe it or not being too feminine. How can a woman be too feminine?

I’ve studied and watched Caucasian relationships and have concluded that their men seem to protect their women because their women tend to allow their men to be men and they allow themselves to be women. Whereas, when I look into our relationships as black people, I notice that black relationships are the opposite. The black woman has to settle more than the white woman. She can’t be emotional or exhibit any signs of weakness or what I call signs of just being a woman without some black men viewing her as too much to handle. He can’t help her because he himself is too out of touch with his own strengths as man, which are sometimes stripped from him during childhood from a stern masculine mother, that he lacks the ability to protect her and provide her with the love language he very well knows can deliver the kind of love that builds strong families.

Our Hearts!

Some black men view women who follow and lead by their hearts as a challenge; therefore, seek women of a more masculine manner and attitude. Some even prefer their women to be extremely independent and unemotionally affected that she can very well do without him leaving room for him as the leader and the man in their relationship to have it easy and basically disable him from being what God created him to be-The protector.

My belief is that since some African-American men and women have adopted this gender role reversal, that one problem we face within ourselves is being too weak and being too passive that it prevents our families from growing, our women from being feminine goddesses, and forcing our men to become more feminine than our women. No woman should have to be logical and think logically when it comes down to a man. That’s his job! We should be natural friaries!

What has happened is a destruction of the black family and a further destruction and limitation of strong secure black men. It seems the less a woman needs a man, the more a man wants a woman. It used to be that the Spider Man’s or Super Mans of our world enjoyed coming to the damsel in distress’s rescue because men viewed a woman as a weaker sex and therefore, she needed him to protect her and save her. Now, the damsel in distress is left on the roof top parapet awaiting her Superhero and may very well grow old there. Instead, the superhero looks for Wonder Woman! He looks for the woman to save his emotions, to help him through his situation, and carry him on her shoulders! If that isn’t feminine, that what is? Yet, when examining black relationships, most black men enjoy and practically thrive off the Wonder Woman. While, he is content with being her Robin!


Women should always follow their hearts no matter what the deception she creates from thinking or over analyzing why her emotions aren’t being cared for. Our minds are truly decepticons leading us astray off the path to love ever so often, but as women, we usually know our hearts, and we usually feel when we need to leave or stay with a man. Yet, because of our innate energy to nurture and care for others, we will allow our minds to convince us that feeling horrible and allowing our emotions to be downplayed and unprotected is a normal occurrence that must be accepted.

Oprah interviewed one of my favorite authors the other night, Paulo Coelho, author of The Alchemist and Veronika Must Die and here are a few quotes he mentioned about the heart:

“Listen to your Heart, It knows all Things”

“Know what you Want”

“Don’t Betray Your Heart Ever”

“Know the difference between your heart and your head”

“The Universe will give you exactly what your Heart, not your head desires”

“Everybody knows what they want!”

What Serene Williams Means to Black Women?


What Serene Williams Means to Black Women?

If you ask any black girl to name a famous black female athlete, they will more than likely say Serene Williams! And today, Serene won her 18th Grand Slam in New York, at the US Open, against Caroline Wozniacki!

What does she represent for black girls? She represents Confidence, Hard-work, and Dedication! If every black woman possessed those attributes within herself, they too can receive:

$4 MILLION Dollars and an 18 karat gold bracelet!


I love this girl because she is relentless and inspiring. Her dedication to the game of tennis corroborates the idea that WE truly can do anything WE put our mind’s too!

Congratulations Serene Williams!


I too Believe!

Please read the full recap below! 

`~Drea Yaya


The Camera Chasers and The Camera Chases!

The Camera Chasers &…

imagesZNE3P8D8 images66EM9Z91

Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jessie Jackson please stop chasing the camera. Please demonstrate when lights are off and publicity is silence. If Sharpton and Jackson were providing the black community with the correct leadership and teachings while cameras were off, several of our black men and women would still be alive. I can only imagine that Sharpton and Jackson were sitting home for the last few months awaiting the next brother to be shot so that they may get their shot at fame!

We only here from these brothers when the black community is suffering rather than hearing or seeing their contributions during the calm before the storm. We can only ask our self whether or not their character is credible. It saddens me to see the black community rally behind camera chasers. Drama fuels their pockets and is the leading contributors to the success of their campaigns. Had these brothers’ hearts and fight been appropriately targeted, Ferguson, Missouri’s, police department would have been found out before the death of Michael Brown. Why did it take/why does it take a camera to wake Sharpton and Jackson up out their sleep? Where is the urgency?

Why aren’t Sharpton and Jackson sending our black brothers home from this protest and teaching them about their deposition or teaching them how to overcome incidents such as Michael Brown and Trayvon Martin? If the black community wants to win, why aren’t we being taught to be patient, fight silently with educating our mind, fight quietly so not to alert anyone to the allegiance forming amongst our people, and most of all, why aren’t they teaching our black people that the only way to win is through education! Is protesting all we can do? Can we not take our young black boys home, sit at the kitchen tables, and teach them how they will be perceived in this world and teach them how their disposition is already a threat even before they are 18 years old; therefore, they must conduct themselves in a fashion that will not only allow them to move through the system unharmed but also save their life!

Protesting is temporary and staged if nothing else! What we need is long-term influences that will not only save our people today or tomorrow but the next generation as well. Jessie and Al have the capability and enough support from the black community to not just follow the crowd but build the crowd even when no one is looking. Instead, Sharpton and Jackson look for ways to capitalize off the black community’s degeneration-rather than prevent, they persist.

The Camera Chases:


together    Malcolm & King  

Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, Medgar Evans, Elijah Muhammad, Maya Angelou, Ida Bell Wells-Barnett, and even our own president, President Barack Obama performed and perform their duties to the black community whether the lights are on or off. Cameras love them because they aren’t working for popularity. All candid shots for them! Their vision and their purpose are simple, create and ingrain in black people: confidence, pride, education, and knowledge of what being black means when growing up in a white world.

medgar Evans

Fight when there seems there is nothing to fight about. Educate when it seems no new learning is needed. It is during these times that our influence on our young is most pertinent, not after the death, but fight and educate before the deaths occur.

imagesV3V7OOK4   Muhammad and King          

Cameras chased Malcom X even when he preferred to fight in the shadows. Cameras followed Martin Luther King Jr. even when he was eating. When have we ever seen a camera chase Sharpton or Jackson? These brothers could be walking right outside the CNN news station in Washington, DC, and not receive even a glance, because not only do they play to the gallery, but even white people understand that they are hoodwinking the black community into believing they care and can actually make a difference.

idaIda B.

Those who seek attention are seen as thirsty and hungry from starvation; Sharpton and Jackson understand that concept better than anything else; therefore, when there is a crisis in the black community, they put their shoes on and speed towards it. If their purpose was active before the shots were fired and the cameras rolled, they wouldn’t need to talk so loud, dress so pretty, or preach so much. Their works would be seen by the masses, as it has from our fallen heroes and those who continue to fight the battle with or without the cameras rolling.



Killer Legs! Pilates is for You Too!

Pilates is for you too!!



This is a video for women who have never experienced Pilates but have the desire to try it. It’s a great video because her moves are precise, although the video is three years old. Pay close attention to her breathing and how straight her legs are during the lengthening process, or strengthening of the core. It is hard for beginners, and you will be somewhat sore the next day, but its worth it!

Stretch the Body

For the prettiest, most toned and defined legs, every woman should try Pilates. Don’t be scared of all the white people in there or the weird hippie looking instructor. The class is open to black  women as well as white, however, you may be the only brownie in there!! Yet, very few of us seize the opportunity to get in touch with our inner core through the breathing and lengthening technique practiced while doing Pilates.

Until we learn to lengthen the body’s ligaments back to the body’s desired length, we will always appear hunched over, unevenly postured, or tight, but Pilates makes you aware of your posture when sitting, walking, and increases the mind’s awareness to body movement, control of breathing, and is relaxing and stress free.  I wish more black women would experience it, but as long as balance and flexibility is included in your weekly workout regime, its cool!

Hate that our sisters in black movies who practice Yoga or Pilates are always seen as the following:

The Dorky Chick who black men don’t find very attractive?

And white woman are portrayed as the sexy chick white men die for?

Jessica Alba
These are the subliminal messages media projects: Black women stay overweight, and white women work out…Even in movies with scenes of gyms, yoga, or working out, etc, black women are not there. And when we do receive a rare moment of black health in media, the black woman is usually very Europeanized or what some black people may call dorky, white-acting, or the type that would marry a white man? Just a thought!